I am constantly yearning for something that is missing. A closeness, a bond with someone. With anyone. I feel as though I’ve become desperate for this. But why? I am surrounded by people who I have a bond with. Hell, I have a husband. I have just felt so distant from everyone lately. I have even begun to miss friendships that ended years ago. Friendships that did not end in a good note. I have wondered why I am not satisfied with those relationships I have around me. What am I looking for that WILL leave me feeling satisfied? Shouldn’t I find that satisfaction within?
I could not agree more. When I lost my mom, I actually went into automatic. I did not even cry at her funeral. Now, over seven years later, my grief is by far the most painful feeling I have ever experienced. The ache is so unbelievably intense. It is something I would not even wish on my worst enemy.
I started a book Saturday night called “Grieving Mindfully”. A challenge I have faced is finding a book about grief that does not involve organized religion. This book does refer to Buddhism, however, it focuses much more on the mind & thought process. I have not gotten very far into the book, but what I have read so far has been incredibly helpful.
I have been on such an emotional roller coaster lately & I have so much I want to express, but it is late & I would rather make it a blog post in its own.
I have been feeling more like myself the past couple of days. Which is nice. I feel happier. I have no clue what got into me over the past few weeks, but I didn’t like it at all.
I am trying to live more for my own happiness & to stop sacrificing my happiness for others.
You know when you do things, impulsively & you do not like the person you are becoming because of it? I was having that battle. However, that battle is no more & I am more than ready to move past it.
I am also learning a lot about myself. How I want to treat others. How I want them to treat me. & if they don’t, then I move forward without them. Life is too short to waste any time on people who don’t being a positive energy to your life. I have people who have been sucking the life right out of me & I can’t do it anymore. Friends who do nothing, but complain & bring little positivity to the relationships. Friends who will get mad & take their moods out on me. Friends who are quick to run their mouths about you when you aren’t around.
I don’t have time for those people. Nor do I want to waste my time gossiping, focusing on negativity or being mean. That is all quite exhausting & I need my energy focused elsewhere.
Like learning to love myself. Seeing me the way others see me.
This feels like it’s all over the place. I am going to end this post for now to take a nap. 😊
It’s always there, in the back of my mind.
What if I say something? Do something?
Something to make them hate me.
What if I let them close to me?
What if they decide to run?
After all, people always leave, right?
My biggest fear is grief.
Grief almost killed me once.
Will I be able to survive it again?
Who knew heartache could lead to physical pain?
Who knew physical pain could relieve the heartache?
From the outside looking in,
There’s happiness and success.
From the inside looking out,
There’s loneliness and confusion.
What do I believe in?
Who do I believe in?
Who believes in me?
Can they see past my mask?
Do they see the doubt that lives inside me?
The fear? The anger? The shame?
Do they see the secrets that occupy my mind?
Do they feel the yearning that flows through my heart?
The yearning to love.
To tear down my wall.
The yearning to be loved.
Absolutely. Completely. Wholly.
My mind is in disarray.
My heart is corrupt.
But my soul…my soul is not.
Past the fear, the anguish, the self loathing and doubt,
There is ingenuity. There is compassion. There is love.
There is the will to trust, to open up.
There is the will to love, without boundaries.
Do they see my mask?
Or do they see past?
(C) 02.24.2016 MA
It took me thirty-two years to realize that I am doing life ‘wrong’. Maybe not wrong from your point of view, but wrong from my perspective.
I have lived life attempting to be who I thought everyone else wanted me to be. Someone who didn’t cause trouble and who was agreeable. You get to a point where you don’t even realize you are doing it anymore. I wear so many hats and so many faces. I have mastered my various masks over the years as well.
I am my own worst critic. There is not a single person on this earth that can be harder on me than I am on myself. I have always had this horrible habit of holding myself to ridiculously high standards. Mostly so others would like me. Ultimately, I have always felt like a failure. Except I’m not and I see that now.
I have always done things my own way and in my own time. I got pregnant before I was married. Twice. I have always had this vision in my head of what a mom SHOULD be like. What an aunt/sister/cousin SHOULD be like. What a wife SHOULD be like. You know what? It’s all shit. Every last bit of it. Why in the world would I want to fit into this perfect little mold that I have tried to for so long? It has been exhausting. I drink more than my siblings and because we had an alcoholic father, then I am in the wrong. I was a Girl Scout leader, so not only was drinking wrong, but I also had to carry myself in a certain manner or else why would these parents trust their girls with me? Cussing? Forget about it… you are NOT allowed to cuss in front of your kids. You are NOT allowed to show your kids that you have a temper. You are NOT allowed to express to your husband how bloated you feel after changing clothes for the third time before going out on a date. You are ABSOLUTELY not allowed to tell anyone you have felt depressed and cut yourself. I needed to show everyone that I had my act together and that I could handle anything life threw my way. Except behind closed doors, I was drowning.
Over the past year I have realized that I need to give myself a break. I have realized I need to learn to love myself. I have realized that just because I do things differently than someone else, it doesn’t mean I am wrong. I have realized that it is okay to feel depressed so long as I don’t allow it to take over. I need to allow myself time to acknowledge and feel the turmoil inside. When I begin feeling overwhelmed, I need to take a step back and recharge.
Life is always changing. I thought I knew who I was until my mom passed away and I was left feeling so broken and confused. A piece of me did die with her that morning, but now I feel myself growing. I feel myself more aware than I have ever been. Of my wants, my needs, my feelings, my thoughts. I have decided to shed myself of this unrealistic, ridiculous higher standard I have given myself and start living for myself.
Yesterday I was driving to work and talking on the phone with a friend. I have been having a rough time lately and have been battling depression. She asked how I’ve been so I confided that I started seeing a therapist and have been prescribed antidepressants. She replied, “I am glad you are getting help. You haven’t seem like yourself lately.”
Her last statement caused me to think. A lot. Dwell may be a more appropriate word. I sought out therapy because I have noticed how bad I have felt. The fact that I knew I was withdrawing from even family was enough to convince me to make the necessary calls. However, I was under the impression that I was doing a good enough job faking it to the outside world. Apparently I was wrong.
Then my dwelling turned from me realizing I am not a good actress to… this person that I haven’t been lately… who even is that? I honestly couldn’t tell you. Who is this person I need to find again and do I even LIKE that person because I haven’t liked myself for quite some time now.
Five and a half years ago I lost my mom to lung cancer. She was my rock. My stability during every storm I have ever had. She was the one person I knew would love me no matter how much I screwed up. The day that she died, a big part of me died along with her and ever since that day… I have been going through life lost. She was home to me and now; I don’t know what home feels like.
I’ve gone through the past several years trying to find a place – somewhere; anywhere – where I can fit in and be accepted. That didn’t prove to be an easy task because here I am, FIVE AND A HALF YEARS LATER, feeling more lost than ever and sinking into depression over it.
It took me a while to realize that I will never get back to where I was before. I have lost too much, but I have also gained so much. Everything I have lost and gained has permanently changed me. I will forever be parent-less (my dad passed away seven and a half years ago) and while it doesn’t feel okay to be an “orphan” and it doesn’t feel okay that my children have no grandparents on my side to love and support them during their lives… I have no other option aside from making it be okay. Or at least okay enough for me to function in my daily life. I will also forever be a mother to two beautiful daughters and, while the future of anything is never guaranteed, two amazing step-daughters.
These gains and losses have brought me to the conclusion that I need to find the “me” that I am now. With or without these things/people in my life.