I need a change.
I need to learn to love myself. My flaws. My bad habits. My quirks. What I excel at. What I struggle with. My inside. My out. My insecurities. Every freckle. Every stretch mark. Every piece of my heart that feels broken. The sadness. The bitterness. The fear. The joy. The compassion.
Everything that is me.
I have been in a much better place lately than I was. My awareness of my emotions is heightened which is helping me to keep myself in check. The anxiety attacks I was having almost daily have slowed. I have had one or two in a week and a half.
I have not put much research into Empaths, but what little I have seen regarding them, I feel like I have some tendencies. I feel like this is partly my problem. I am tuned into others and their feelings. Some more than others and especially those I care deeply for. It is exhausting though. Once school is out for the summer, I think I am going to research it a little more.
The past year and a half to two years feels like one big learning experience for me. I have learned so much about myself and others. I feel like I have grown immensely throughout this process as well. I have found a spirituality within myself that brings me peace. I do not believe in organized religion nor do I believe in a higher being. I believe in energy and the universe and this has brought me happiness. It is hard though to move forward from the things I was raised to believe. I have had a hard time freeing myself of guilt that I was taught to feel. I have had a hard time wrapping my mind around the idea of taboo things being okay. I am working toward embracing going with the flow, accepting feelings as they are, seeing people from a different perspective and not living within the boundaries society has set for me. If something feels right, then I am going to go for it. I am working towards trusting myself and my instincts.
This has not been an easy journey, but it has been worth it. I am in such an amazing place in my life right now. My relationship with my husband is better than it has ever been and I have supportive and wonderful family and friends. I am learning to set boundaries for myself while staying true to who I am.
All in all, I feel very happy today. Do not get me wrong, not everyday is a happy day for me, but days like today help me realize that there is hope on those bad days and that life does get better.
I have been feeling more like myself the past couple of days. Which is nice. I feel happier. I have no clue what got into me over the past few weeks, but I didn’t like it at all.
I am trying to live more for my own happiness & to stop sacrificing my happiness for others.
You know when you do things, impulsively & you do not like the person you are becoming because of it? I was having that battle. However, that battle is no more & I am more than ready to move past it.
I am also learning a lot about myself. How I want to treat others. How I want them to treat me. & if they don’t, then I move forward without them. Life is too short to waste any time on people who don’t being a positive energy to your life. I have people who have been sucking the life right out of me & I can’t do it anymore. Friends who do nothing, but complain & bring little positivity to the relationships. Friends who will get mad & take their moods out on me. Friends who are quick to run their mouths about you when you aren’t around.
I don’t have time for those people. Nor do I want to waste my time gossiping, focusing on negativity or being mean. That is all quite exhausting & I need my energy focused elsewhere.
Like learning to love myself. Seeing me the way others see me.
This feels like it’s all over the place. I am going to end this post for now to take a nap. 😊