Today I choose to love myself, inside and out.
I need a change.
I need to learn to love myself. My flaws. My bad habits. My quirks. What I excel at. What I struggle with. My inside. My out. My insecurities. Every freckle. Every stretch mark. Every piece of my heart that feels broken. The sadness. The bitterness. The fear. The joy. The compassion.
Everything that is me.
I feel lost. Confused. Anxious. Always anxious. I am disappointed in myself. I know better. I know right from wrong. It does not matter. I still want it. I still yearn for it. I feel stuck in a purgatory between two places. One is everything I have ever wanted & so good for me. The other is not. Oh, but the magnetism. It is insane. It is impossible to resist. To stay away from. To not think about.
I feel lost. Like I do not even know who I am anymore. A simple choice. A firm decision & I could be found again. I am just not ready to let go yet.
I could not agree more. When I lost my mom, I actually went into automatic. I did not even cry at her funeral. Now, over seven years later, my grief is by far the most painful feeling I have ever experienced. The ache is so unbelievably intense. It is something I would not even wish on my worst enemy.
I started a book Saturday night called “Grieving Mindfully”. A challenge I have faced is finding a book about grief that does not involve organized religion. This book does refer to Buddhism, however, it focuses much more on the mind & thought process. I have not gotten very far into the book, but what I have read so far has been incredibly helpful.
I have been on such an emotional roller coaster lately & I have so much I want to express, but it is late & I would rather make it a blog post in its own.
Approximately a year and a half ago I made a decision. That decision was to live. I was in the darkest place I ever had been. I had justified in my mind how everyone in my life would be better off without me. I was tired of living. I was tired of doing it without my mom here.
I scared myself that night. So much so that I decided I didn’t want to live like that anymore. I couldn’t. So I got help. I have been in therapy since and I do also take antidepressants. Life hasn’t always been easy and I have even had anxiety attacks lately. But the difference is now I don’t feel alone, now I don’t feel like I don’t want to live anymore, now I am more in control of my thoughts.
I chose to live. I have seen what suicide does to family and friends. I see the comments about how suicide is “selfish” and “cowardly”. I also know the mentality of someone who is at that point. When someone gets to that point they need something….anything….someone….anyone to hold on to. For me, there was a single person I couldn’t justify leaving behind and that is why I kept going. My daughter saved me. The fact that her biological dad is a piece of shit saved me. I knew she wouldn’t be okay without me so for her, I kept going.
If you are ever in that mentality, find your person to keep going. Choose life.
I woke up this morning & realized it has been 9 years since my dad has passed away. It doesn’t feel like that long. Then again, my dad wasn’t around most of my life. I used to feel bad because I don’t miss him like I miss my mom. Why would I though? My parents separated when I was 7 and he was barely there for me until I was 21. I’ve come to accept that it is ok for me to feel the way I do. I loved my dad. He wasn’t perfect & he made many mistakes, but he was my father. There are parts of him inside me. I see them there. I embrace those pieces of him, but I also have learned a tremendous amount from him to know not to make those same mistakes. I have a level of appreciation & insight for my life & my family because of him. For that, today I am not mourning the loss nor do I feel bad for not missing him, but instead I am going to let that light inside of me shine brighter from the lessons I learned because of him.