Lost.

I feel lost. Confused. Anxious. Always anxious. I am disappointed in myself. I know better. I know right from wrong. It does not matter. I still want it. I still yearn for it. I feel stuck in a purgatory between two places. One is everything I have ever wanted & so good for me. The other is not. Oh, but the magnetism. It is insane. It is impossible to resist. To stay away from. To not think about. 

I feel lost. Like I do not even know who I am anymore. A simple choice. A firm decision & I could be found again. I am just not ready to let go yet. 

Grieving mindfully.


I could not agree more. When I lost my mom, I actually went into automatic. I did not even cry at her funeral. Now, over seven years later, my grief is by far the most painful feeling I have ever experienced. The ache is so unbelievably intense. It is something I would not even wish on my worst enemy.

I started a book Saturday night called “Grieving Mindfully”. A challenge I have faced is finding a book about grief that does not involve organized religion. This book does refer to Buddhism, however, it focuses much more on the mind & thought process. I have not gotten very far into the book, but what I have read so far has been incredibly helpful.

I have been on such an emotional roller coaster lately & I have so much I want to express, but it is late & I would rather make it a blog post in its own.

Goodnight! xx

Choose life. 


Approximately a year and a half ago I made a decision. That decision was to live. I was in the darkest place I ever had been. I had justified in my mind how everyone in my life would be better off without me. I was tired of living. I was tired of doing it without my mom here. 

I scared myself that night. So much so that I decided I didn’t want to live like that anymore. I couldn’t. So I got help. I have been in therapy since and I do also take antidepressants. Life hasn’t always been easy and I have even had anxiety attacks lately. But the difference is now I don’t feel alone, now I don’t feel like I don’t want to live anymore, now I am more in control of my thoughts.

I chose to live. I have seen what suicide does to family and friends. I see the comments about how suicide is “selfish” and “cowardly”. I also know the mentality of someone who is at that point. When someone gets to that point they need something….anything….someone….anyone to hold on to. For me, there was a single person I couldn’t justify leaving behind and that is why I kept going. My daughter saved me. The fact that her biological dad is a piece of shit saved me. I knew she wouldn’t be okay without me so for her, I kept going. 

If you are ever in that mentality, find your person to keep going. Choose life. 


I woke up this morning & realized it has been 9 years since my dad has passed away. It doesn’t feel like that long. Then again, my dad wasn’t around most of my life. I used to feel bad because I don’t miss him like I miss my mom. Why would I though? My parents separated when I was 7 and he was barely there for me until I was 21. I’ve come to accept that it is ok for me to feel the way I do. I loved my dad. He wasn’t perfect & he made many mistakes, but he was my father. There are parts of him inside me. I see them there. I embrace those pieces of him, but I also have learned a tremendous amount from him to know not to make those same mistakes. I have a level of appreciation & insight for my life & my family because of him. For that, today I am not mourning the loss nor do I feel bad for not missing him, but instead I am going to let that light inside of me shine brighter from the lessons I learned because of him.