Bricks.

I haven’t posted in a loooonnnggg time. A lot has been going on, etc. etc. more excuses.

I feel like I have a ton of bricks sitting on my chest right now. Yesterday my husband was diagnosed with MS. This is following weeks of appointments which followed a week long hospital stay. To say I’m stressed is an understatement.

I’ve been crying daily. I can’t even control it. Sometimes 5 minutes here & there. Monday it lasted about an hour & a half. The thing is. I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR BREAKDOWNS!!! I have to work & take care of my kids & do my school work.

How do people function daily when they feel this way? & before meds are suggested…yup, already on them.

I just need to be able to breath.

Literally.

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Defective friend.

I feel like I need to come with a warning label when people come into my life.

Defective friend.

Or maybe I am just damaged & defective in general. I say this for a couple reasons, but right now I want to focus on what kind of friend I am.

I am the kind of friend who will be all in. You will get my 100%. Provided I “let you in”. I am loyal & will give you the shirt off my back. 

Until I feel like there is a chance I can get hurt. Then I become distant. My wall starts to grow to prevent myself from feeling emotional pain. This is something I battle with often. This is something I feel like I will battle with for the rest of my life.

This is a battle I am currently losing. 😔

Lost.

I feel lost. Confused. Anxious. Always anxious. I am disappointed in myself. I know better. I know right from wrong. It does not matter. I still want it. I still yearn for it. I feel stuck in a purgatory between two places. One is everything I have ever wanted & so good for me. The other is not. Oh, but the magnetism. It is insane. It is impossible to resist. To stay away from. To not think about. 

I feel lost. Like I do not even know who I am anymore. A simple choice. A firm decision & I could be found again. I am just not ready to let go yet.