I am constantly yearning for something that is missing. A closeness, a bond with someone. With anyone. I feel as though I’ve become desperate for this. But why? I am surrounded by people who I have a bond with. Hell, I have a husband. I have just felt so distant from everyone lately. I have even begun to miss friendships that ended years ago. Friendships that did not end in a good note. I have wondered why I am not satisfied with those relationships I have around me. What am I looking for that WILL leave me feeling satisfied? Shouldn’t I find that satisfaction within?
It’s always there, in the back of my mind.
What if I say something? Do something?
Something to make them hate me.
What if I let them close to me?
What if they decide to run?
After all, people always leave, right?
My biggest fear is grief.
Grief almost killed me once.
Will I be able to survive it again?
Who knew heartache could lead to physical pain?
Who knew physical pain could relieve the heartache?
From the outside looking in,
There’s happiness and success.
From the inside looking out,
There’s loneliness and confusion.
What do I believe in?
Who do I believe in?
Who believes in me?
Can they see past my mask?
Do they see the doubt that lives inside me?
The fear? The anger? The shame?
Do they see the secrets that occupy my mind?
Do they feel the yearning that flows through my heart?
The yearning to love.
To tear down my wall.
The yearning to be loved.
Absolutely. Completely. Wholly.
My mind is in disarray.
My heart is corrupt.
But my soul…my soul is not.
Past the fear, the anguish, the self loathing and doubt,
There is ingenuity. There is compassion. There is love.
There is the will to trust, to open up.
There is the will to love, without boundaries.
Do they see my mask?
Or do they see past?
(C) 02.24.2016 MA