Defective friend.

I feel like I need to come with a warning label when people come into my life.

Defective friend.

Or maybe I am just damaged & defective in general. I say this for a couple reasons, but right now I want to focus on what kind of friend I am.

I am the kind of friend who will be all in. You will get my 100%. Provided I “let you in”. I am loyal & will give you the shirt off my back. 

Until I feel like there is a chance I can get hurt. Then I become distant. My wall starts to grow to prevent myself from feeling emotional pain. This is something I battle with often. This is something I feel like I will battle with for the rest of my life.

This is a battle I am currently losing. 😔

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Hate.

This may be one of the most stripped, naked & vulnerable posts I will ever have. I have hesitated posting it, but then what is the point of having a blog? It’s not like anyone actually reads it anyway. 

I hate my insecurities. I hate that I allow them to get the best of me. I hate that when I look in the mirror I am disgusted. I hate that I would rather suffer silently, than turn to anyone else. I hate that the first minute I feel hurt by someone, I shut down. When it comes to fight or flight, I choose flight every time. I would rather have no friends than work through anything. I hate that I feel responsible for how other people feel. Even if I really had nothing to do with it. It exhausts me. I hate that I care too much. I hate that I have wanted to cut so much lately. I hate that I am either all or nothing. I hate that I am hypocritical in some areas of my life. I hate getting attached to people. I hate that I fear abandonment. I hate that death terrifies me. I hate that my own death doesn’t. I hate feeling depressed. I hate that my brain never shuts off. I hate that I over analyze everything. I hate that I am so curious as to why other people are the way they are. I hate that I am too nice. I hate that I can be selfish. I hate that when I hurt, I hurt others that are closest to me. I hate my impulsiveness. I hate that people look at me from the outside & assume I am things I am not. That I have it together. That I have the “perfect” life. I hate that I am even sitting here & typing an entire blog about things that I hate about myself. 

I should be focusing on what I love about myself. I’ll have to save that for another day. 😔