Bricks.

I haven’t posted in a loooonnnggg time. A lot has been going on, etc. etc. more excuses.

I feel like I have a ton of bricks sitting on my chest right now. Yesterday my husband was diagnosed with MS. This is following weeks of appointments which followed a week long hospital stay. To say I’m stressed is an understatement.

I’ve been crying daily. I can’t even control it. Sometimes 5 minutes here & there. Monday it lasted about an hour & a half. The thing is. I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR BREAKDOWNS!!! I have to work & take care of my kids & do my school work.

How do people function daily when they feel this way? & before meds are suggested…yup, already on them.

I just need to be able to breath.

Literally.

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Sometimes it is so easy to get lost in your own mind. To do that is dangerous. Because when you get lost in your own mind you tend to forget that others have their own lives & their behaviors may have nothing to do with you despite how it may feel to you. I have lost my ability to be objective lately. I have this guilt that I must have done something wrong or this fear & vulnerability that people do not want me on their lives now that I’ve let them in. 

I need to figure out how to survive while allowing people close to me. I need to learn how to not be an insecure nag with these people. I need to resist the need of their constant validation that they still care for me. I need to love myself enough to know that people don’t just leave or change overnight.

I have come such a long way from where I was in October 2014, but it is times like these that humble me & remind me that I still have a ways to go.
  

Playing with fire…

Playing with fire, I’m gonna get burned.

In all my life, you’d think I’d have learned.

I’m a glutton for punishment, addicted to pain.

Making my own bed, it’s amazing I’m still sane.

You get what you reap, you get what you sow.

I’m my own demise, light the match & watch the fire glow.

People think they know me, they know what they see.

There’s a whole other side of me, yearning to be free.

Being held hostage in a shell, a mask that I have made.

I will never be released, the yearning overpowered by being afraid. 
2016 (c) MA

“Maybe the journey isn’t so much about becoming anything. Maybe it’s about unbecoming everything that isn’t reall you, so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place.”

It’s always there, in the back of my mind.

What if I say something? Do something?

Something to make them hate me.

 

What if I let them close to me?

What if they decide to run?

After all, people always leave, right?

 

My biggest fear is grief.

Grief almost killed me once.

Will I be able to survive it again?

 

Who knew heartache could lead to physical pain?

Who knew physical pain could relieve the heartache?

 

From the outside looking in,

There’s happiness and success.

From the inside looking out,

There’s loneliness and confusion.

 

What do I believe in?

Who do I believe in?

Who believes in me?

 

Can they see past my mask?

Do they see the doubt that lives inside me?

The fear? The anger? The shame?

 

Do they see the secrets that occupy my mind?

Do they feel the yearning that flows through my heart?

 

The yearning to love.

To tear down my wall.

The yearning to be loved.

Absolutely. Completely. Wholly.

 

My mind is in disarray.

My heart is corrupt.

But my soul…my soul is not.

 

Past the fear, the anguish, the self loathing and doubt,

There is ingenuity. There is compassion. There is love.

 

There is the will to trust, to open up.

There is the will to love, without boundaries.

 

Do they see my mask?

Or do they see past?

 

(C) 02.24.2016 MA