Bricks.

I haven’t posted in a loooonnnggg time. A lot has been going on, etc. etc. more excuses.

I feel like I have a ton of bricks sitting on my chest right now. Yesterday my husband was diagnosed with MS. This is following weeks of appointments which followed a week long hospital stay. To say I’m stressed is an understatement.

I’ve been crying daily. I can’t even control it. Sometimes 5 minutes here & there. Monday it lasted about an hour & a half. The thing is. I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR BREAKDOWNS!!! I have to work & take care of my kids & do my school work.

How do people function daily when they feel this way? & before meds are suggested…yup, already on them.

I just need to be able to breath.

Literally.

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Lost.

I feel lost. Confused. Anxious. Always anxious. I am disappointed in myself. I know better. I know right from wrong. It does not matter. I still want it. I still yearn for it. I feel stuck in a purgatory between two places. One is everything I have ever wanted & so good for me. The other is not. Oh, but the magnetism. It is insane. It is impossible to resist. To stay away from. To not think about. 

I feel lost. Like I do not even know who I am anymore. A simple choice. A firm decision & I could be found again. I am just not ready to let go yet.