I feel like I need to come with a warning label when people come into my life.
Or maybe I am just damaged & defective in general. I say this for a couple reasons, but right now I want to focus on what kind of friend I am.
I am the kind of friend who will be all in. You will get my 100%. Provided I “let you in”. I am loyal & will give you the shirt off my back.
Until I feel like there is a chance I can get hurt. Then I become distant. My wall starts to grow to prevent myself from feeling emotional pain. This is something I battle with often. This is something I feel like I will battle with for the rest of my life.
This is a battle I am currently losing. 😔
I feel lost. Confused. Anxious. Always anxious. I am disappointed in myself. I know better. I know right from wrong. It does not matter. I still want it. I still yearn for it. I feel stuck in a purgatory between two places. One is everything I have ever wanted & so good for me. The other is not. Oh, but the magnetism. It is insane. It is impossible to resist. To stay away from. To not think about.
I feel lost. Like I do not even know who I am anymore. A simple choice. A firm decision & I could be found again. I am just not ready to let go yet.
I could not agree more. When I lost my mom, I actually went into automatic. I did not even cry at her funeral. Now, over seven years later, my grief is by far the most painful feeling I have ever experienced. The ache is so unbelievably intense. It is something I would not even wish on my worst enemy.
I started a book Saturday night called “Grieving Mindfully”. A challenge I have faced is finding a book about grief that does not involve organized religion. This book does refer to Buddhism, however, it focuses much more on the mind & thought process. I have not gotten very far into the book, but what I have read so far has been incredibly helpful.
I have been on such an emotional roller coaster lately & I have so much I want to express, but it is late & I would rather make it a blog post in its own.
I am broken, but I am strong.
I am a mess, but I am beautiful.
I am jaded, but I am compassionate.
Everything that has hurt me has made me into the beautiful, caring person that I am today. & I wouldn’t change it for the world.
I have always taken pride in the fact that I have inherited a lot of my moms good qualities & none of my dads bad ones.
Except I have inherited the part of him that I hated the most. Oddly though, I don’t hate myself. Yet. It has crossed my mind that I do subconsciously sabotage everything good in my life though. As did he.
I know this is vague; but it’s all I’m going to say.
Someone said to me that I create enough of my own drama. So, of course, I chose to sit back & evaluate my life & my drama.
Drama is a very subjective word. I am thinking the way it was used is that emotions equal drama. I am emotional. Yes. I am passionate. I question things. I stand up for things/people who are important to me. I am aware of how others feel so I feel badly if I think I may have hurt their feelings. To me, that isn’t drama.
Those are all things about myself I love as well. I wouldn’t change any of that. So in hindsight, that is actually a compliment for me. 😊