I feel lost. Confused. Anxious. Always anxious. I am disappointed in myself. I know better. I know right from wrong. It does not matter. I still want it. I still yearn for it. I feel stuck in a purgatory between two places. One is everything I have ever wanted & so good for me. The other is not. Oh, but the magnetism. It is insane. It is impossible to resist. To stay away from. To not think about.
I feel lost. Like I do not even know who I am anymore. A simple choice. A firm decision & I could be found again. I am just not ready to let go yet.
I could not agree more. When I lost my mom, I actually went into automatic. I did not even cry at her funeral. Now, over seven years later, my grief is by far the most painful feeling I have ever experienced. The ache is so unbelievably intense. It is something I would not even wish on my worst enemy.
I started a book Saturday night called “Grieving Mindfully”. A challenge I have faced is finding a book about grief that does not involve organized religion. This book does refer to Buddhism, however, it focuses much more on the mind & thought process. I have not gotten very far into the book, but what I have read so far has been incredibly helpful.
I have been on such an emotional roller coaster lately & I have so much I want to express, but it is late & I would rather make it a blog post in its own.
I am broken, but I am strong.
I am a mess, but I am beautiful.
I am jaded, but I am compassionate.
Everything that has hurt me has made me into the beautiful, caring person that I am today. & I wouldn’t change it for the world.
I have always taken pride in the fact that I have inherited a lot of my moms good qualities & none of my dads bad ones.
Except I have inherited the part of him that I hated the most. Oddly though, I don’t hate myself. Yet. It has crossed my mind that I do subconsciously sabotage everything good in my life though. As did he.
I know this is vague; but it’s all I’m going to say.
Someone said to me that I create enough of my own drama. So, of course, I chose to sit back & evaluate my life & my drama.
Drama is a very subjective word. I am thinking the way it was used is that emotions equal drama. I am emotional. Yes. I am passionate. I question things. I stand up for things/people who are important to me. I am aware of how others feel so I feel badly if I think I may have hurt their feelings. To me, that isn’t drama.
Those are all things about myself I love as well. I wouldn’t change any of that. So in hindsight, that is actually a compliment for me. 😊
Approximately a year and a half ago I made a decision. That decision was to live. I was in the darkest place I ever had been. I had justified in my mind how everyone in my life would be better off without me. I was tired of living. I was tired of doing it without my mom here.
I scared myself that night. So much so that I decided I didn’t want to live like that anymore. I couldn’t. So I got help. I have been in therapy since and I do also take antidepressants. Life hasn’t always been easy and I have even had anxiety attacks lately. But the difference is now I don’t feel alone, now I don’t feel like I don’t want to live anymore, now I am more in control of my thoughts.
I chose to live. I have seen what suicide does to family and friends. I see the comments about how suicide is “selfish” and “cowardly”. I also know the mentality of someone who is at that point. When someone gets to that point they need something….anything….someone….anyone to hold on to. For me, there was a single person I couldn’t justify leaving behind and that is why I kept going. My daughter saved me. The fact that her biological dad is a piece of shit saved me. I knew she wouldn’t be okay without me so for her, I kept going.
If you are ever in that mentality, find your person to keep going. Choose life.