These are all me right now. 😢
I could not agree more. When I lost my mom, I actually went into automatic. I did not even cry at her funeral. Now, over seven years later, my grief is by far the most painful feeling I have ever experienced. The ache is so unbelievably intense. It is something I would not even wish on my worst enemy.
I started a book Saturday night called “Grieving Mindfully”. A challenge I have faced is finding a book about grief that does not involve organized religion. This book does refer to Buddhism, however, it focuses much more on the mind & thought process. I have not gotten very far into the book, but what I have read so far has been incredibly helpful.
I have been on such an emotional roller coaster lately & I have so much I want to express, but it is late & I would rather make it a blog post in its own.
I have been in such a funk lately. Several emotions have been running through me. So many thoughts have been filling up my head. I feel as though I have been fighting off depression again. This time is different. I do not feel lonely or hopeless or like I don’t want to live anymore. Ultimately I suppose it isn’t depression then. Maybe I can sort it all out here (since this is why I even have a blog).
May 21, 2009.
This date is one that will be burned in my head forever. It was a Saturday. At 5:30am (ish), I was woken up by my mom. She had cancer & I lived with her so we had baby monitors in our rooms in case she needed me. She did that morning. She called out for me. When I entered her room she was sitting on her bed with her head tilted back some, pointing to the ceiling with her eyes following her finger. Except there wasn’t anything there. I called 911 & her cancer had moved to her brain & she was never the same again. So, even though my mom didn’t actually pass away until May 16, 2009, essentially I lost my mom – the woman who raised me, who loved me unconditionally & who I loved & depended on – that morning. March 21, 2009.
Last Monday I cried a lot. 5 times to be exact. My heart hurt so bad. So, so bad. That day was a true turning point for me. Up until this year, I’ve blocked out my grief. Anytime it attempted to make an appearance, I shoved that fucker right back down where it came from. Until recently. Hence, my emotions being so out of control that day.
But it doesn’t stop there. Over the last 2 weeks I have cried more days than I haven’t. Which isn’t like me either. Me being me, I have been trying to figure out what my problem is. Here are some of my conclusions:
I am tired of people taking advantage of my kindness. I refuse to allow people to utilize me as a doormat. I refuse to be a punching bag for anyone. I do not tolerate passive/aggressive people either. Snide remarks piss me off. I may not show it, but they are not welcome in my world.
I’m scared. Lately I have let a few people in past my guard & it scares the shit out of me. I am terrified of being hurt. Of trusting the wrong people. Of being abandoned. When I let someone in, they get me at my 100%. Sadly, with me, it usually my all or my nothing & up until recently, select family members, my kids & my husband are the only ones who had my all. Opening up to others isn’t all bad. Don’t get me wrong. After 4 years I have finally opened up to a friend & the friendship is amazing. She’s amazing. I love having a friend like that again. A partner in crime. Opening up like that leaves me vulnerable. Scared.
My head is still so clogged with thoughts, but this is all I could sort through for now. Hopefully I will get a chance to write more soon. Until then…maybe these pictures can help provide more insight.
Sometimes, when everything becomes too much, too overwhelming, too confusing…I just need to take a step back. I need to recharge. I need to sort myself out. I get so lost in what is going on around me that I need to stop & refocus my energy into myself. My happiness.
I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster lately & trying to figure out why & placing the “blame” on the wrong things.
The truth is, I miss my mom. So much. & now that my heart is open & my guard is down, I’m feeling it so much more than I ever have. & for the first time ever, I know I need to step back, but I’m a healthy way. Not a “block out the world” way, but a “focus on myself” way.
I feel like this is half assed, but this is just a perfect example of how scattered my thoughts have been. All over the place & not complete. Very frustrating.