Approximately a year and a half ago I made a decision. That decision was to live. I was in the darkest place I ever had been. I had justified in my mind how everyone in my life would be better off without me. I was tired of living. I was tired of doing it without my mom here.
I scared myself that night. So much so that I decided I didn’t want to live like that anymore. I couldn’t. So I got help. I have been in therapy since and I do also take antidepressants. Life hasn’t always been easy and I have even had anxiety attacks lately. But the difference is now I don’t feel alone, now I don’t feel like I don’t want to live anymore, now I am more in control of my thoughts.
I chose to live. I have seen what suicide does to family and friends. I see the comments about how suicide is “selfish” and “cowardly”. I also know the mentality of someone who is at that point. When someone gets to that point they need something….anything….someone….anyone to hold on to. For me, there was a single person I couldn’t justify leaving behind and that is why I kept going. My daughter saved me. The fact that her biological dad is a piece of shit saved me. I knew she wouldn’t be okay without me so for her, I kept going.
If you are ever in that mentality, find your person to keep going. Choose life.