Approximately a year and a half ago I made a decision. That decision was to live. I was in the darkest place I ever had been. I had justified in my mind how everyone in my life would be better off without me. I was tired of living. I was tired of doing it without my mom here.
I scared myself that night. So much so that I decided I didn’t want to live like that anymore. I couldn’t. So I got help. I have been in therapy since and I do also take antidepressants. Life hasn’t always been easy and I have even had anxiety attacks lately. But the difference is now I don’t feel alone, now I don’t feel like I don’t want to live anymore, now I am more in control of my thoughts.
I chose to live. I have seen what suicide does to family and friends. I see the comments about how suicide is “selfish” and “cowardly”. I also know the mentality of someone who is at that point. When someone gets to that point they need something….anything….someone….anyone to hold on to. For me, there was a single person I couldn’t justify leaving behind and that is why I kept going. My daughter saved me. The fact that her biological dad is a piece of shit saved me. I knew she wouldn’t be okay without me so for her, I kept going.
If you are ever in that mentality, find your person to keep going. Choose life.
I woke up this morning & realized it has been 9 years since my dad has passed away. It doesn’t feel like that long. Then again, my dad wasn’t around most of my life. I used to feel bad because I don’t miss him like I miss my mom. Why would I though? My parents separated when I was 7 and he was barely there for me until I was 21. I’ve come to accept that it is ok for me to feel the way I do. I loved my dad. He wasn’t perfect & he made many mistakes, but he was my father. There are parts of him inside me. I see them there. I embrace those pieces of him, but I also have learned a tremendous amount from him to know not to make those same mistakes. I have a level of appreciation & insight for my life & my family because of him. For that, today I am not mourning the loss nor do I feel bad for not missing him, but instead I am going to let that light inside of me shine brighter from the lessons I learned because of him.
I have been in a much better place lately than I was. My awareness of my emotions is heightened which is helping me to keep myself in check. The anxiety attacks I was having almost daily have slowed. I have had one or two in a week and a half.
I have not put much research into Empaths, but what little I have seen regarding them, I feel like I have some tendencies. I feel like this is partly my problem. I am tuned into others and their feelings. Some more than others and especially those I care deeply for. It is exhausting though. Once school is out for the summer, I think I am going to research it a little more.
The past year and a half to two years feels like one big learning experience for me. I have learned so much about myself and others. I feel like I have grown immensely throughout this process as well. I have found a spirituality within myself that brings me peace. I do not believe in organized religion nor do I believe in a higher being. I believe in energy and the universe and this has brought me happiness. It is hard though to move forward from the things I was raised to believe. I have had a hard time freeing myself of guilt that I was taught to feel. I have had a hard time wrapping my mind around the idea of taboo things being okay. I am working toward embracing going with the flow, accepting feelings as they are, seeing people from a different perspective and not living within the boundaries society has set for me. If something feels right, then I am going to go for it. I am working towards trusting myself and my instincts.
This has not been an easy journey, but it has been worth it. I am in such an amazing place in my life right now. My relationship with my husband is better than it has ever been and I have supportive and wonderful family and friends. I am learning to set boundaries for myself while staying true to who I am.
All in all, I feel very happy today. Do not get me wrong, not everyday is a happy day for me, but days like today help me realize that there is hope on those bad days and that life does get better.