After the chaos, comes clarity.

I miss my mom so much it hurts. Physically hurts. These days have become further apart, but the pain I feel when I do have them is just as intense as it ever was. I struggle on these days. I try to act okay & keep myself preoccupied, but it doesn’t always work out that way. Today I couldn’t shake the heaviness I felt in my heart. It weighed me down as if I had a ton of bricks on my shoulders. I tried to act normal…talk to friends like normal, go with plans like normal, make plans to get my mind off it all. It didn’t matter though. Even surrounded by 20 people tonight, I felt overwhelmed & like I wanted to be alone. I’ve had this ache for a couple days now & couldn’t figure out why. I kept thinking it was from other things, but logically I know that the things I THOUGHT were bothering me weren’t things that usually would. I was projecting my feelings all around me. Trying to place “blame” on why I felt like I was. This is partly why my head has been such a mess! This is why nothing made sense. Why when I would try to explain how I felt, it never came out right. Because it wasn’t right.

Tonight I was trying to go to sleep & you know when you have a sort of dream while you’re half asleep? I saw my mom walk past me. She was smiling. She had her hair. She looked like the mom I remember. Not my chemo mom. & my heart got heavier & the tears started flowing & it all made sense & here I am.

It’s March. 7 years ago on March 21st my moms cancer moved to her brain & she was never the same. I was never the same. SEVEN FUCKING YEARS & here I am, lying in bed at almost midnight & crying. My heart hurts so bad. I just want to feel her arms around me. To hear her voice. Her laugh. The pain from missing her is so excruciating. I still need her. My kids need her. My family needs her.

& in the blink of an eye, the chaos from the past couple days, in my head & in my heart, is now clear. Crystal, heartbreakingly clear.

March to May are always difficult for me. I sure hope this isn’t an indicator of how the next couple months are going to be. I’ve worked so hard to open my self up, let my guard down & feel.

I don’t want to feel this pain though. I wouldn’t wish this pain on my worst enemy. 😢

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