Hate.

This may be one of the most stripped, naked & vulnerable posts I will ever have. I have hesitated posting it, but then what is the point of having a blog? It’s not like anyone actually reads it anyway. 

I hate my insecurities. I hate that I allow them to get the best of me. I hate that when I look in the mirror I am disgusted. I hate that I would rather suffer silently, than turn to anyone else. I hate that the first minute I feel hurt by someone, I shut down. When it comes to fight or flight, I choose flight every time. I would rather have no friends than work through anything. I hate that I feel responsible for how other people feel. Even if I really had nothing to do with it. It exhausts me. I hate that I care too much. I hate that I have wanted to cut so much lately. I hate that I am either all or nothing. I hate that I am hypocritical in some areas of my life. I hate getting attached to people. I hate that I fear abandonment. I hate that death terrifies me. I hate that my own death doesn’t. I hate feeling depressed. I hate that my brain never shuts off. I hate that I over analyze everything. I hate that I am so curious as to why other people are the way they are. I hate that I am too nice. I hate that I can be selfish. I hate that when I hurt, I hurt others that are closest to me. I hate my impulsiveness. I hate that people look at me from the outside & assume I am things I am not. That I have it together. That I have the “perfect” life. I hate that I am even sitting here & typing an entire blog about things that I hate about myself. 

I should be focusing on what I love about myself. I’ll have to save that for another day. 😔

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Old habits die hard, but the can die.

I have been in such a funk lately. Several emotions have been running through me. So many thoughts have been filling up my head. I feel as though I have been fighting off depression again. This time is different. I do not feel lonely or hopeless or like I don’t want to live anymore. Ultimately I suppose it isn’t depression then. Maybe I can sort it all out here (since this is why I even have a blog).

May 21, 2009.

This date is one that will be burned in my head forever. It was a Saturday. At 5:30am (ish), I was woken up by my mom. She had cancer & I lived with her so we had baby monitors in our rooms in case she needed me. She did that morning. She called out for me. When I entered her room she was sitting on her bed with her head tilted back some, pointing to the ceiling with her eyes following her finger. Except there wasn’t anything there. I called 911 & her cancer had moved to her brain & she was never the same again. So, even though my mom didn’t actually pass away until May 16, 2009, essentially I lost my mom – the woman who raised me, who loved me unconditionally & who I loved & depended on – that morning. March 21, 2009.

Last Monday I cried a lot. 5 times to be exact. My heart hurt so bad. So, so bad. That day was a true turning point for me. Up until this year, I’ve blocked out my grief. Anytime it attempted to make an appearance, I shoved that fucker right back down where it came from. Until recently. Hence, my emotions being so out of control that day.

But it doesn’t stop there. Over the last 2 weeks I have cried more days than I haven’t. Which isn’t like me either. Me being me, I have been trying to figure out what my problem is. Here are some of my conclusions:

I am tired of people taking advantage of my kindness. I refuse to allow people to utilize me as a doormat. I refuse to be a punching bag for anyone. I do not tolerate passive/aggressive people either. Snide remarks piss me off. I may not show it, but they are not welcome in my world.

I’m scared. Lately I have let a few people in past my guard & it scares the shit out of me. I am terrified of being hurt. Of trusting the wrong people. Of being abandoned. When I let someone in, they get me at my 100%. Sadly, with me, it usually my all or my nothing & up until recently, select family members, my kids & my husband are the only ones who had my all. Opening up to others isn’t all bad. Don’t get me wrong. After 4 years I have finally opened up to a friend & the friendship is amazing. She’s amazing. I love having a friend like that again. A partner in crime. Opening up like that leaves me vulnerable. Scared.

My head is still so clogged with thoughts, but this is all I could sort through for now. Hopefully I will get a chance to write more soon. Until then…maybe these pictures can help provide more insight.


  

recharging…

Sometimes, when everything becomes too much, too overwhelming, too confusing…I just need to take a step back. I need to recharge. I need to sort myself out. I get so lost in what is going on around me that I need to stop & refocus my energy into myself. My happiness. 

I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster lately & trying to figure out why & placing the “blame” on the wrong things. 

The truth is, I miss my mom. So much. & now that my heart is open & my guard is down, I’m feeling it so much more than I ever have. & for the first time ever, I know I need to step back, but I’m a healthy way. Not a “block out the world” way, but a “focus on myself” way.

I feel like this is half assed, but this is just a perfect example of how scattered my thoughts have been. All over the place & not complete. Very frustrating.

After the chaos, comes clarity.

I miss my mom so much it hurts. Physically hurts. These days have become further apart, but the pain I feel when I do have them is just as intense as it ever was. I struggle on these days. I try to act okay & keep myself preoccupied, but it doesn’t always work out that way. Today I couldn’t shake the heaviness I felt in my heart. It weighed me down as if I had a ton of bricks on my shoulders. I tried to act normal…talk to friends like normal, go with plans like normal, make plans to get my mind off it all. It didn’t matter though. Even surrounded by 20 people tonight, I felt overwhelmed & like I wanted to be alone. I’ve had this ache for a couple days now & couldn’t figure out why. I kept thinking it was from other things, but logically I know that the things I THOUGHT were bothering me weren’t things that usually would. I was projecting my feelings all around me. Trying to place “blame” on why I felt like I was. This is partly why my head has been such a mess! This is why nothing made sense. Why when I would try to explain how I felt, it never came out right. Because it wasn’t right.

Tonight I was trying to go to sleep & you know when you have a sort of dream while you’re half asleep? I saw my mom walk past me. She was smiling. She had her hair. She looked like the mom I remember. Not my chemo mom. & my heart got heavier & the tears started flowing & it all made sense & here I am.

It’s March. 7 years ago on March 21st my moms cancer moved to her brain & she was never the same. I was never the same. SEVEN FUCKING YEARS & here I am, lying in bed at almost midnight & crying. My heart hurts so bad. I just want to feel her arms around me. To hear her voice. Her laugh. The pain from missing her is so excruciating. I still need her. My kids need her. My family needs her.

& in the blink of an eye, the chaos from the past couple days, in my head & in my heart, is now clear. Crystal, heartbreakingly clear.

March to May are always difficult for me. I sure hope this isn’t an indicator of how the next couple months are going to be. I’ve worked so hard to open my self up, let my guard down & feel.

I don’t want to feel this pain though. I wouldn’t wish this pain on my worst enemy. 😢

Chaos

I need to get out of my head. All of my thoughts are exhausting me. I can’t even sort them properly. They’re all over the place which is causing my emotions to be all over the place. I need a vacation from myself. I need to quiet my brain. I need a reprieve. 😔