Yesterday I was driving to work and talking on the phone with a friend. I have been having a rough time lately and have been battling depression. She asked how I’ve been so I confided that I started seeing a therapist and have been prescribed antidepressants. She replied, “I am glad you are getting help. You haven’t seem like yourself lately.”
Her last statement caused me to think. A lot. Dwell may be a more appropriate word. I sought out therapy because I have noticed how bad I have felt. The fact that I knew I was withdrawing from even family was enough to convince me to make the necessary calls. However, I was under the impression that I was doing a good enough job faking it to the outside world. Apparently I was wrong.
Then my dwelling turned from me realizing I am not a good actress to… this person that I haven’t been lately… who even is that? I honestly couldn’t tell you. Who is this person I need to find again and do I even LIKE that person because I haven’t liked myself for quite some time now.
Five and a half years ago I lost my mom to lung cancer. She was my rock. My stability during every storm I have ever had. She was the one person I knew would love me no matter how much I screwed up. The day that she died, a big part of me died along with her and ever since that day… I have been going through life lost. She was home to me and now; I don’t know what home feels like.
I’ve gone through the past several years trying to find a place – somewhere; anywhere – where I can fit in and be accepted. That didn’t prove to be an easy task because here I am, FIVE AND A HALF YEARS LATER, feeling more lost than ever and sinking into depression over it.
It took me a while to realize that I will never get back to where I was before. I have lost too much, but I have also gained so much. Everything I have lost and gained has permanently changed me. I will forever be parent-less (my dad passed away seven and a half years ago) and while it doesn’t feel okay to be an “orphan” and it doesn’t feel okay that my children have no grandparents on my side to love and support them during their lives… I have no other option aside from making it be okay. Or at least okay enough for me to function in my daily life. I will also forever be a mother to two beautiful daughters and, while the future of anything is never guaranteed, two amazing step-daughters.
These gains and losses have brought me to the conclusion that I need to find the “me” that I am now. With or without these things/people in my life.